Chocolate Bule Meltdown

This was a blog post long in the making. I had probably hinted at my state of mind a few months ago in a past blog. You see I had a meltdown. Not a psychotic episode or a bad day at school or having a fight with my housemates, no I had a few miserable months. October, November and December to be exact. This coincided with my absence from the blogosphere in that period. The scary thing was that apart from Doc, I did not relay my fears to none of my housemates or friends. That I was going through a depressing period in Jakarta. I did not want any one to comfort me because I've always been an individual who could look after myself emotionally and therefore did not need anyone to look after me.

Unbeknownst to my friends and colleagues, I acted like everything was fine. I went to work, did my classes, gossiped with my colleagues. Everything was normal on the outside. But the reality was that I was struggling to keep it together on the inside. I was crying in my sleep, I had trouble sleeping (I would get 4 hours if I'm lucky) and I would comfort eat on all the things that were bad for me (J.CO Donuts, Ice cream, pizza, etc). The binge eating could not quell any of the negative feelings and almost immediately I would feel horrible. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel this way? How can I overcome this?

Now that I've given myself time to reflect on those months, I realized where all the negativity came from.It was the fact that I was returning home with no great prospects plus my own insecurities as a teacher. As listed below here are some of the reasons and some probable solutions.

1.)  Doubting myself as a teacher- I got given a low level adult class , a challenging teen class, a low- intermediate business class that was out of school and an intermediate business class at another school . These were classes that I've found to be tricky to teach despite my experience in teaching these levels. The elementary adult class in particular was a pain in my ass because they did not appreciate the fact that they were there to learn and not gossip. I walked out of that class a couple of times because they pissed me off that much.  The low level intermediate teen class also did my nut in because in that class I had far too many clowns who sat together and refused to work with other classmates especially female ones and therefore made the classes awkward and difficult to teach.In spite of that, I did like the little bastards in the end. The intermediate business class at the other school was fine; however, with business English the danger is low attendance and in a class of 5, there were many times I had one on one lessons with a student. Needless to say, this further pissed me off!

This then created a knock on effect on my other classes. I was just not inspired to teach, I was over it! My poor low-intermediate business class and young learners bore the brunt of it because I no longer cared. I stopped planning lessons and instead stuck to mundane bookwork which is not exciting for myself or the students. It is easy to blame the students lack of attendance and in some cases lack of enthusiasm that indeed affected me as a teacher.

I felt it wass my job to stir up interest and make them want to learn. But as I learned, education is a two way street. I could only do so much as the teacher and it is up to the students to learn and study the language outside of the classroom. My biggest peeves with all my students was tardiness and lack of attendance which of course affects their learning and ability to pass the course. I had two options either keep planning to the best of my ability and teach or stop giving a shit. I chose the later. This is not to say that I did not care about my classes and how I taught them, this was more to do with letting the students' have their own autonomy on learning. I was too scared of my students failing because of how it would reflect on me as a teacher and instead just focussed on the matter at hand which was to deliver a good lesson and if all else failed there were always extra lessons for struggling students.

2. What the fuck am I going to do when I get back to UK? Is a question I've been asking myself since November. Now that I am no longer employed, the bubble has well and truly burst. The realization that I'm no longer an ESL teacher evaporated the moment I received my bonus and flight reimbursement. I realized 'shit, this is what I have to live on for the next month and beyond'. I am so scared of going back jobless and then six months down the line, still be in that state. This question has been asked by my friends, family and even Doc. It has given me sleepless nights and headaches. After having this job, I can't look at another desk job ever again without thinking that this shit is going to be boring. So, I decided that I will venture out my once comfort zone and look seriously at areas that take my interest. ESL is of course one of those areas, in addition to social media and being a teaching assistant.

So what am I going to do? Take charge that's what! I am very fortunate to have a boyfriend who would not allow me to wallow in self loathing and unemployment; therefore, he said he will help me on my quest to find gainful employment. My five point plan of action for survival in Edinburgh is this:

• See my loved ones family, in-laws and friends in my first few weeks home.
• Fix up my CV. I'm tinkering my LinkedIn profile as we speak and will do the same with my paper CV.
• APPLY, APPLY, APPLY- for any and everything well except for bar work and waitressing. I will also look into volunteer work to beef up my ESL experience.
• Apply for a CELTA or CertTESOL course for the April, May, June and July period. I got my eye on a couple of schools in Edinburgh so watch this space. I'm aiming for that period so that by that time I could pay with my salary (if I get a job).
• If all else fails get on the Dole - well I'll give it a couple of months before I start applying.

3. Food Inglorious Food - I am gluttonous human. I binge on all kinds of bad things and it was made worst when I moved here. because most of the bad things were dirt cheap. On a weekly basis, I gorged on a variety of junk food, Indonesian food (which is fried everything and no vegetables) and drank free alcohol like it was going out of fashion (ladies night what can I say?). Great diet right? WRONG!  I virtually cut out vegetables and healthy carbs and fibre out of my diet.  Of course all of this was not good for me and so my body said fuck you and in return constipation, dehydration, migraines, insomnia, weight gain (put on 10lbs since I've been here) and stunted hair growth. I was not happy with myself because I did not feel healthy. So I reasoned with myself and felt some changes had to be made on my part.

My solution is this. When I return to the UK, I will binge for a few weeks on all the stuff that I missed out on while in Indonesia (bacon, cheese, cider, donuts and the like) and then get started on my diet and exercise plan that will eliminate all those lovely but bad things and replace them with bland but good things starting with the scary Master Clense detox diet and then phasing out processed food, alcohol and all the other bad shit. Yoga and swimming will be apart of my fitness regime as well as hill walking and biking. Doc is super happy about the latter as it is his favourite hobby.

I am happy to report that I am over my meltdown and now I can only look forward to returning home but at the same time look back with pride and fondness of my time in Indonesia.